I'm sure this is on par with kicking puppies and stuffing kitties into sock drawers* but I'm a bit resentful of happy, pregnant women as a rule. Since the early days of my first pregnancy the thought of a satisfied, oh I never had morning sickness and all my pregnancies were great and oh how I LOVE to be pregnant I think I'll do it again SEVEN MORE TIMES because pregnancy is just so SUPER FUN-type of woman makes me want to put a baby bunny in a bag and leave it on the edge of a rapid river.
Okay, not really. But you get my point.
I was watching TV last night - because that's the one thing that doesn't usually induce vomiting, unless I'm watching the View - and a WebMD commercial came on. There on the screen flashed a smiling, pink cheeked actor playing a pregnant woman. I know she was just an actor, but for that 2.7 seconds she and her actor/husband/life partner were on the screen I hated her. She seemed so thrilled to be pregnant. My only response was "fuck you and die". I don't consider myself to be Christian but I can say with certainty my attitude was not Christian-like. It wasn't even un-Atheist-I-don't-believe-in-anything-like.
I didn't really want her to die, especially since she was just an actor and all, and I don't wish any harm to any of you who have these types of pregnancies. It just makes me so frustrated because I'd like to have just a smidgen of that happy glow during mine. I want to know why some of you do this four or five times. On purpose. And you don't need a date with Jose Cuervo when you hear the news.
I had intended to moan and whine about my crappy pregnancies and boohoo over all the hard times I've endured and will have to go through again but then I stopped in the middle of writing this to kiss my daughter goodnight. It's incredibly difficult to be Debbie Downer when your toddler just gave you fish kisses.
So instead of concentrating on the negative (pretty much the entire pregnancy) I'm going to focus on the positive. Or, the good things that happen as a result of my craptacular gestation periods.
Ready?
- Ingesting less than 500 calories a day due to constant retching means - hey! - my skinny jeans fit again!
- So what if I can't stand up without almost falling down and I have no muscle tone from lying on the couch day in a day out? My saddle bags have almost completely melted away!
- Yes, my eyes are sunken and the pallor of my skin resembles something that was left in the refrigerator for too long... but my waddle is almost completely gone and I almost have cheekbones again! I never had cheekbones before but I don't think that's anything to be alarmed by.
- I now know every word of every song from every show played every weekday morning on PBS. My kid thinks I'm really cool.
- I've re-learned the fine art of the 3 hour nap. Those 15 minute "power naps" are for pussies.
- I've had absolutely no trouble at all giving up wine or coffee. Or pretty much any liquid except Newman's Own Lemonade (slightly watered down and with a shit load of ice cubes). Nope, don't miss those vices AT ALL.
- I haven't ingested so many Totino's Pizza Rolls, Tater Tots, or Ramen Noodles since college. Okay, they're the only thing I can eat (on a good day), but I feel like a kid again!
- Due to hardly ever leaving a prone position, except to bow to the porcelain god, my house is a mess, the floors are covered in pet hair and the whole house smells like dog. But with the exception of the smell, I'm so weak I can hardly care less!
- Going back to my first few points, if I ever start eating again I'll be able to pig out and still be a sexy and skinny pregnant lady.
- Sometimes I'll go days without showering (mostly because I never leave the house, so why bother?) so I'm saving a fortune in hair care products and makeup.
- Sure, Zofran has left me constipated and I'm dehydrated most of the time, but I don't have to worry about which way to approach the toilet first! You know, backward or forward? Face first or ass first? I'll stop now.
I'll have to make sure to print this out and post it on my refrigerator to remind me that things aren't so bad. I'll print it really big since I can't usually get within ten feet of my fridge... On second thought maybe I'll just tack it to the wall behind the couch.
--------------------
If I can find something to laugh about in all this absurdity you can certainly find some funny posts from around the blogosphere. The October ROFL Awards are this Friday so go and find some funny posts to nominate. Email your nominations to Chicky Chicky Baby 2 [at] Yahoo [dot] com by Thursday night and make sure to include a link to your own blog. Last month was a little light on the nominations, let's make this month our funniest one yet. Please don't make me grovel. I spend enough time on my knees as it is.
What? In front of the toilet, you sickos. I can barely get a Tater Tot between these lips these days.
*Sorry, MB, I couldn't resist.
AMEN! I lived on regular cheerios and Frosted Mini Wheats my entire pregnancy. Everything else made me throw up.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those women after about 20 weeks...so I still have 10 more weeks of feeling crappy.
ReplyDeleteSo you can hate me after that. (I hope.)
I love your list though. I have lost 5 pounds so far...so I can relate to some of it! But I'd have to lose a whole bunch more for anyone to even think of calling me skinny!
I take some pleasure in knowing that someone else's house smells as bad as mine. I'm not pregnant though, so what's my excuse?
ReplyDeleteOh, sister, you are preaching to the choir.
ReplyDeleteMy first pregnancy, I felt AWESOME. I ate everything and gained 5000 pounds.
Next three pregnancies, um, were like ass. Sick as a damn dog and barfed negative weight gain off the entire first half.
And, even my non-pregnant self concurs that the only good nap is a LONG nap. Duh!
you are freaking hilarious. i know you feel like total shit and i am so sorry but damn, girl..you are funny.
ReplyDeleteI gained 50 lbs of water weight with Diminutive One because of pre-eclampsia. That's on top of the 30 I gained from just being preggo. I was ginormous. My feet looked like hams with little smokies toothpicked onto the ends of them. Does that make you feel any better? No, of course it doesn't, you poor thing. I really do wish I could help. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I gotta put a post-it on the display so I think about ROFL nominations earlier than the last day of the month! LOL
ReplyDeleteROFL! You poor thing! You go girl with the lookin on the bright side of things...I however, can't do it. I am miss negative when negative is over the 50% line. It is amazing though, how your kids can make you take a look at the world differently...Will email soon with my nomination. Hope you get feeling a little better than today, everyday.
ReplyDeleteYou have finally cracked - you have succumbed to the "find the silver lining, make this into an inspirational poster" scary attitude found only in Hallmark Hall of Fame movies. I'm sending in the troops stat. And for the last time I'm innocent - the cat stuffed his own damn furry ass into the drawer. I only closed the drawer on his nappy butt. Semantics? Who knows...
ReplyDeleteI am reminded of Monty Python's "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life". You poor thing. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete"My only response was "fuck you and die"."
ReplyDeleteI think you meant to type: "You fuck and die."
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Hope it gets better.
The best part of any pregnancy is NO periods!
ReplyDeleteYou forgot that one.
Well, you know, I'm just jealous of women who are pregnant, not even the happy ones, so you've got one up on me.
ReplyDeleteBut cruising right along, right? Almost to the half way point? Hoping the last months are way better than this.
((((you))))
ReplyDeleteI survived entirely on eggs through out my pregnancies.
ReplyDeleteNow if I see an egg I want to hurl.
Here's hoping the confusion ends soon, and you'll figure out which way to approach the porcelaine throne.
Either that, or I'm considering sending you a golden bucket.
Oh sure get your hate on for pregancy lovers. That baby bunny will just hop away from the river.
ReplyDeleteIt's the hotties like you running around all knocked up in your skinny jeans that gets me turning green. You better watch out or Motherbumper might put you in a drawer.
First, I hate those happy pregnant I-Can-Do-This-All-the-Time women. I had not one problem with my pregnancies, but felt like shit the whole time. I wanted to punch them in the throat on my way to the Taco Bell counter (something I crave while pregnant).
ReplyDeleteSecond, we do it again, because of Momnesia. It is a little device that we were implanted with to keep the human race going. I think researchers are trying to find it's location in our bodies to have it removed. I wish they would hurry up, I am feeling the urge for a third.
Third, Who are you calling a pussy? It takes a tough broad to cat nap while driving. Hey, leave me alone I am a multitasking mother of 2. You will understand, soon enough.
Oh, I ran into one of those annoying people when I was about three months preggy with Pumpkinpie and still a bit nauseous. She was about two months in, and was all, "Oh, I absolutely LOOOOOOOVE being pregnant! I'm a little sad this will be my last time! It's just the greatest thing EVER!" Gah. I shot her death rays and sat on my hands so I didn't strangle her.
ReplyDeleteOK, now I'm really going to stop whining about missing the wonder of pregnancy thing!
ReplyDeleteOh girl. If I could hug you I would even if it meant getting thrown up on.
ReplyDeleteI lived on zofran throughout my pregnancy and even that didn't help too much.
Happy pregnant women make me mad too.
Oh girl. If I could hug you I would even if it meant getting thrown up on.
ReplyDeleteI lived on zofran throughout my pregnancy and even that didn't help too much.
Happy pregnant women make me mad too.
Even when down and out and completely miserable, you still crack me up woman!
ReplyDeleteI felt exactly the same way when I was pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI just wasn't this funny.
Ok. Maybe I don't "need" another child... This is making me feel so much better about how we've only got one. :-)
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether you ever got this advcice, but have you tried gingerale?
ReplyDelete(heh-heh-heh...don't smack me.)
I know I've read some ROFL worthy posts this month. Let me go find someone to award.
I'm sorry. At least you're finding humor in a dismal situation. And your jeans fit.
ReplyDeleteNot that that's going to last long.
(Sorry.)
There's great cheekbones!
You forgot the sweet rosy glow of busted capillaries.
ReplyDeleteThose always got me some wicked good sympathy on a bad day when I left the make up at home.
Oh, sweetie! (((HUGS))) I also want to smack happy, glowing pregnant women. Except KC. She's just much too cool.
ReplyDeleteAnd you have NEVER had a waddle, my snarky friend. I'm not buying it.
Glad your quick wit and humor aren't taking a rest, and glad that you are feeling better, I just love your posts :) They make me laugh and add some enjoyment to sometimes very hectic days, thank you!
ReplyDeleteYeah, "morning" sickness is just HORRIFYING. I lived on nacho chips and gingerale for the first three months of each of my pregnancies and I still threw up ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
ReplyDeleteThe first trimester of my pregancies was like a 12 week hangover - and I get BAD hangovers.
ReplyDeleteSame deal; giving up alcohol? No problem! I don't really drink coffee, I'm a tea girl but dropped to one cup a day - two if the headache made me want to buy a do-it-yourself guillotine.
You know Chicky's not going to die from too much TV.
Fish kisses for you!
I'm feeling so badly for you Mrs. Chicky - and at the same time - trying NOT to laugh at the scenarios which you are dealing with... because they are NOT funny, but your wording of them does cause a few chuckles... I hope you are able to laugh at some ROFL awards without running to the porceling god... may the force be with you!
ReplyDeleteOMG, I just read that some Totino's Pizzas have been recalled! Please check this out: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071101/hl_nm/generalmills_recall_dc_4;_ylt=AtExXoQjYnE4lfF6DAOLI5YE1vAI
ReplyDeleteHope this isn't anything you are eating!
Yeah. I'm about ready to post my own pregnancy bitchfest, and you'd better believe it's going to be full of TMI.
ReplyDeleteI have to admire you for finding positive things to say about barfing your guts up. I couldn't do that.
You are amazing in your ability to find the funny. I know everyone probably says this (if they were very. unlucky.) but I SO remember everything you're talking about. It gives me Post-Traumatic flashbacks to read it.
ReplyDeleteOne time, I literally CRIED at a refridgerator commercial featuring a big pregnant lady, sitting on the floor, happily, happily eating in the middle of the night. I cried. I so much wanted to be that woman and to LOVE my pregnancy. It took me so long to accept that it was what it was and that I'd have a beautiful baby at the end either way (although when people told me that as a pep talk I wanted to skewer and BBQ them.)
Thinking of you.
The sick isn't hurting your funny! Hope you're inching your way to feeling normal again.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you -- gentle hugs that won't force anything upwards that should be going down. I love how you managed to make me laugh through your misery. I really hop that this, too, shall pass. I mean... oh, heck, good luck with the nine month thing.
ReplyDeleteI hate to laugh at your pain but that paragraph about constipation was too funny.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. I had 24/7 "morning" sickness all day long for the first 16 weeks. It sucks. Hard.
I had the Zofran constipation too! Ugh! The worst. Whatever you do, DON"T take the stool softener, that made it worse for me!
ReplyDeleteBleh Zofran, it helps but it is no magic pill.
My husband's acupuncturist/herbalist swears he could have helped me if we'd known him back then. Have you tried it?
???
I hope that 16 week "light switch" turns on soon.
Awwww, ya know...my pregnancies weren't that much fun either, but my morning sickness was generally truly morning sickness, and not the hell that you describe. My mother was one of those women: 'I felt so great pregnant, the best I've felt in my whole life, my skin and hair looked radiant...blah blah.'
ReplyDeleteShut it, Ma.
I keep hoping I'll check in here and find you on the mend. You've been through the war.
That sounds like my second pregnancy! I feel your pain!!! I think I lost 15 pounds and I looked like death.
ReplyDeletePoor you!
But, on a positive note.. you are hysterical and I love your writing style!
Chicky
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better for you soon! You poor thing!
Focus on the positive though. At least you CAN carry a healthy baby and get those fish kisses at night now right? Yes, I am one of those crazy people who likes being pregnant and because of that I have just put in my surrogacy application for after the birth of my third in May. I have been reading some of the stories of the couples looking for surrogates and I ALWAYS end up in tears. These poor women would DIE to be you right now. Really. The last couple I read about had suffered 6 miscarriages and a still birth. I can't even imagine.
So on your next trip to the bathroom.... keep your chin up and remember you are actually the envy of many right now...and nit just because you fir in skinny jeans!
Don't be so quick to judge those happy glowing pregnant women. I'm one of them. I had endometriosis, a miscarriage and an ovarian tumour, and spent a year thinking I couldn't carry a child. So yep, I'm thrilled and LOVE being pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you 100%! I feel awful...Zofran helped so much but nobody warned me of the constipation...it's been two weeks and I'm off the zofran b/c I'd rather puke than look 6 months pregnant b/c I'm so bloated and backed up. (I am only 8 weeks PG)!
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