On paper wings

I was sitting outside today reading a book, when a dragonfly landed on my bare knee. Normally I would have been freaked out by such a large insect sitting on my bare flesh, but instead I let him lounge there for a moment while I apologized for all of his relatives who were consumed whole and alive for my childish pleasure. Then I slapped my thigh and watched him fly off, good wishes trailing after him.

I haven't been sitting in the sun lately, preferring instead the safety of four walls, but today I had hoped the fresh air and sunshine would make me happy. I haven't been very happy lately. An existential crisis is what my friend Ruth called it, though she was referring to her own. It seems to be going around. Maybe we passed it around in Chicago, like a cold virus.

Aimless is how I would describe myself these days. Aimless and pathless, though not goalless. Goals I have in spades but I have no way of making them a reality. Point A is my sticking point and getting to Point B, C, D and beyond is a circumnavigational route of my own making full of twists and turns. The hilly terrain doesn't bother me but the roadblocks, detours and and potholes do. Don't want to go to grandma's house because I know the big bad wolf is waiting for me, or something like that.

This flitting through life is effecting everything, from my relationship with my husband to my writing (which was never very good to begin with, let's face it) and even my day to day interaction with friends and family. The disjointed feeling hits me even before I wake up in the morning. It seeps into my flesh, like pizza grease into open pores. I'm not a person you would want to be around these days. There's not much joy behind these muddy eyes.

I want the uncertainty to go away. I want to tie it to a big red balloon and let it float up into the clear blue sky. I had hoped the dragonfly would take some of it with her, but dragonfly's have their own agenda and I don't think it stuck to her paper wings.

I read (on Wikipedia of all places) in Japan dragonflies are symbols of courage, strength and happiness. I want to believe it was not coincidence who brought that dragonfly to me. I like to believe in miracles and things happening for a reason. But what I do not know is if my winged friend left for me any of those aforementioned virtues before I thoughtlessly shooed her away.